So, I went to Vegas a few weeks ago with Freddy Mercury but it wasn’t really Freddy Mercury it was my friend who is a guy named Frank who is a drag queen stripper named Valencia but decided to go in drag as a man from his usual drag queen Valencia. So it was Frank in drag as Valencia in drag as Freddie Mercury. Needless to say, he/she/he had at least three layers of slightly different shaded foundation on.
As luck would have it, Frank/Valencia/Freddy Mercury asked to borrow my phone to call his/her/his dealer who goes by Black Jack (I guess its a Vegas thing…). He/She/He got makeup all over the side of my blackberry so when the dealer called back later I couldn’t read who was calling, answered the phone and thought it was Black Jack calling back, but it was really my aunt who’s heartily addicted to pain killers. She was trying to say “Hi, honey, franks over toast?” which is a breakfast food she used to make, but it came out all slurred from the Vicodin so it sounded like “High Bunny, Frank overdosed.” At this point, I’m still thinking it’s Black Jack and not my aunt and there is this S & M joint on the strip called “High Bunny” so I figured Frank/Valencia/Freddy Mercury had headed over there early and overdosed on coke because his eyesight was soooooo bad he never knew how much to take.
Obviously, I run out of the hotel and head towards High Bunny when a horse-drawn carriage comes out of fucking nowhere and scares the living shit out of me. In a panic, I throw my phone and where does it land? The window of some dude’s Porsche, smashing to smithereens both the Blackberry and the guy’s window.
Twist! It turns out not to be just “any guy”. Its John Stamos. But he’s in disguise. As who? I’m not sure but he’s wearing a blond wig and I’m like 90 percent sure he was trying to pass as one of the Olson twins which is all sorts of ironic. So, he pulls me into the car and says “Valencia! What the fuck are you doing out in public! No one is supposed to know you’re here! What will the press do if they find out!”
I’m obviously stunned. I have no idea what is going on so I just sit there and silently stare back at him/her (John Stamos/Ashley Olson). I’m sure I looked visibly distraught because he asked what was the matter and then looked down at my shattered phone. He must have thought I was upset about the phone and just handed me his. “Here. Take mine. I’ll get another one and this way I’ll know how to get ahold of you.”
So I take the iphone and am trying to process why he thinks I am Kandy or how he even know Valencia, until I realize I am wearing Valencia’s dress which I threw on before I left the hotel room.
To make a long story short, I’ll just sum up the rest. So, turns out John Stamos and my friend Frank have been having an affair for a really long time. But, back in the late 90’s, John Stamos was getting a lot of flack for being gay from the CCAF (Christian Conservatives Against Full House - it’s a pretty vocal organization) so Frank decided to start dressing in drag as Valencia so the two could meet up and rendezvous in public without any protest from the CCAF. So, John and Valencia were a thing. Later, John got into a pretty serious relationship with a woman. He loved her but still wanted his rendezvous with Valencia but didn’t want his girlfriend to be suspicious about him vacationing with another woman.
So, Valencia decided to start dressing in drag as a Freddy Mercury look-a-like so John and Freddy could pal around in Vegas without anyone suspecting an affair.
This has been going well for about a year, but because Frank/Valencia visits Vegas so much as Freddy Mercury, a lot of people started thinking that he actually WAS Freddy Mercury. The only way Frank/Valencia could convince the paparazzi public that he wasn’t the real Freddy incarnate was to prove he wasn’t gay. That would be a significant difference. So, whenever he went to Vegas, he had started to ask John Stamos to dress as a woman so the couple could publicly appear and convince everyone who they were.
Thus, we get the Frank/Valencia/Freddy and John Stamos/Ashley Olson switcharoo.
Obviously, Ashley was shocked to see me/Valencia out in public not dressed as Freddy.
Because that’s a whole other issue. If Valencia and Ashley Olson were to appear in public as a couple, shit would hit the fan.
Turns out Frank/Valencia/Freddy was in the hotel room the whole time.
That’s how I broke my phone. And got a free upgrade.